Written by: Teemoney
In an effort to capitalize on our central banks’ monetary policy while freeing up researching time for me to sail my new yacht, I inadvertently stumbled upon a new investing strategy. Don’t believe me? Reread the first sentence. I own a yacht. I’ve got nothing to hide.
Step 1 – run a screener for stocks with a PE of 50 or higher, price of >$50 with an RSI of 60-80(higher being better for all three attributes), if the list is small you can add every single commodity class ETF(x3 triple leveraged OFC) to beef it up. IMPORTANT- do NOT add gold and silver as they are worthless unless you have an OCD/hoarding disorder
Step 2 – Write the results of the screener onto individual slips of paper, proceed to paste these over an old/new(you can buy more later following this strategy) dartboard.
Step 3– I recommend a blind fold, while you can turn around to achieve the “blind” effect, know that turning around greatly reduces aim(bad for cat owners).
Step 4– Throw dart until it lands on a ticker symbol. Repeat until you have 5 symbols.
Step 5– Proceed to invest 100% of lifetime savings/net worth into these 5 stocks. (% in each doesn’t matter as long as your entire net worth is drained, what the hell is diversification anyway?) Don’t worry if your picks drop more than 10% in one day, they will rebound even higher shortly after, people who take short-term profits are cowards.
Alternate Step 5– It occurred to me that some readers have a lower net worth and can’t fully utilize this strategy(poor people/bears/economists/people who believe(d) CSCO still has a monopoly in routers). If you need money to invest I recommend opening as MANY credit cards as possible and maxing them out for access to instant cash you can then invest using my previous steps. If we’ve learned anything from the last financial crisis it’s that banks can afford to let you max out credit accounts, and if they can’t they’ll just get bought out by a bank that CAN. Its win-win!!
When to Sell – See step 5. If you plan on selling you might as well just move to communist China or join the Peace Corps. Here’s an analogy to help wrap your mind around this. Would you get off a roller coaster half way up the first hill?
The above is intended as satire ONLY – It’s sad I even have to put this.
