You may think that it is a little peculiar, a fear of success, that is. But it is what I have. For the last week or two, I have been intensely anxious when I write or comment on my site, or anyone else’s for that matter.
I still have an intense fear of failure, even though I had to fight it in order to trade. I don’t like failing. It feels invalidating. But it comes with the territory. You have to be able to say, “I was wrong,” and let go in order to succeed at trading.
But fear of success, that’s outlandish. Why have a fear of succeeding? There is literature on it. I probably would have never figured it out myself if someone wiser and more perceptive in the psychological realm hadn’t told me. It seems so counter-intuitive. Who could fear being good at something?
I suppose it’s not the fear of being good at something. It’s the fear of the consequences. The hatred, the height, the unpleasant reactions of others. The bullying, the guilt. And, quite possibly the worst, feeling like you have succeeded only to be called an idiot for having ever tried. Having your success undermined and disparaged.
What goes into making this site must first overcome those feelings. I struggle to keep posting, to keep my thoughts positive and encouraging. I can’t even believe that so many people who I admire have linked to me. It’s overwhelming. It makes me happy.
But it also scares the living shit out of me.
And it’s not only online that I have these feelings. I experience them frequently in other parts of my life.
Such irrationality needs to be addressed;
I need to let go and take care of myself.